Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
