you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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