How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
