please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
