i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
