I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
