I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
