I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
