also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
