Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
