I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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