it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
