Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
That reminds me...we need to get swords
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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