Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
