New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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