grandma shit on top of the toilet
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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