One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I said "one day" and that day is not today
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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