i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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