Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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