you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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