So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize