Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
