The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
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