In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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