i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
