When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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