Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
