Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
