My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
