I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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