The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
