im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
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I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
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walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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