It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
