AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
