she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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