after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
