I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
i've created a new STD.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
