omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
