and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
