i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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