I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
