Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
