Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
