wrigley field is MILF paradise
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
