I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Are my feet made of real feet?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
