The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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