The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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