i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
