On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
