Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
