im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
