YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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