All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
