Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
