I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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