38 yer olds are good kisserssss
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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