so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
