those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby